# 28

; coming out of my shell.

I’m not sure if anyone out there experiences the same things I did, but I felt very much repressed for most of my life.

I only felt free when I was distracted with doing something I enjoy. For example, dancing. Eventually I constantly felt the need to find something to do 24/7. It was like I was ‘addicted’ to being busy.

When I was younger, I enjoyed hanging out with people my age, but I am not exactly great at holding conversations with anyone. I only went out when people invited me however I would feel sorry after because I know how boring I am.

Then came the time when I was like, “You know what? I’m just going to hang out with myself.” That was when I realised I didn’t know much about myself. I didn’t know what I liked, who I liked, why I liked anything or anyone, where I liked to be, how I liked anything to be and even, when I actually liked anything or anyone.

I was the kind of girl who was alright with anything. If someone didn’t like me, so be it. If I was laughed at, so be it.

I was like a sponge just absorbing everything whilst repressing all my emotions and reactions, to the point that I thought that I was numb to everything.

But I am not.

I have emotions too. And unfortunately most of the time, it’s negative. Because I’ve been bottling up all these dark emotions in me for so long, it would take a while to slowly wipe away all the darkness from me.

You know, coming out of my shell was one of the scariest things ever. Expressing my emotions without holding back was terrifying and embarrassing.

But just like anything you do, you only get better at it over time.

For those who fear revealing your dark secrets, a piece of advice. There are billions of people on this planet. There is bound to be someone who will understand you, who will love you and cherish you no matter what wrong you may have done, or whatever weird fetishes you have 🙂 (other than your parents).

If a friend ever judges you for what you said or did, chances are, he/ she isn’t your real friend. Real friends will listen and advice you on what to do if they can. They would help you recover and not bring you down.

For now, I am still repressing my emotions sometimes. I am still learning!

For those of you who are experiencing something similar, I think the first thing you should do is find an outlet.

For me, my outlet is dancing, singing, writing or doing art etc. For some others, exercising, going to the beach, playing music etc., is their outlet.

Find something that can make you temporarily forget your troubles and focus, and clear your mind. 😀

Good luck! ❤

Warmest hugs,

e.clair ♥

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